Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
