I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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