I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I want to fling myself into the sun
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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