nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
