what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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