He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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