She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize