I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
