please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
