I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
