My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
