I accidentally burped into my bong.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
