I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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