The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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