She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
