Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
