As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
