First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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