Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
