this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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