After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
