worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize