i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
