We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
