I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
