I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We need a shit load of segways right now
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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