i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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