Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
