Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
