please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
