Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
