update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
