he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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