saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
