I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
