k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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