yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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