Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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