I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
