I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
