I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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