I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
