Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
