Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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