i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
