i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
