just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
