his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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