he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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