Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
