Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
