Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
