I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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