You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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