theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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