I want to walk on stilts...naked
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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