the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
