You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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